Relief? Regret?

Well, it's not over - she's still pregnant, but now she's saying that she's decided not to continue this pregnancy.

I was so relieved to hear her say this -- so very, very relieved. I'd spent the whole week obsessively worrying about her, feeling alternately like a heel and like a martyr. I kept feeling angry, thinking she was really foolish to consider keeping this baby. Then I would feel angry at myself, for not supporting her 'decision' to keep the baby. Then I would feel angry at her again, and then I'd feel left out of the conversation and worried that I had alienated her. That I was not being the pillar of support she needed right now. Then I would feel angry for being needed as a support!

Oh, so much stress and conflicting emotions! I know this issue is close to my own heart. I have been pregnant four times. I only have two children. Do the math. I've lost babies before, one way and another.

Either way, I don't think it was a huge loss to me personally. I know that the potential for human life was there those two other pregnancies, but it never got that to that point. Does it matter if it was intentional or not? I thought I was over these feelings, but I think all my own defenses and complications came bubbling to the front.

A part of me keeps saying (only to myself, and not to her!), Well... okay, yes, those are all good reason why not have a baby.... but really, well... why not? Have one here. This is a good home. This is a nice family. How could this be bad?

Bat shit crazy is how I feel, honestly. But mainly I'm relieved to know that her rational mind took over and weighed all the options, and she has decided to do what is best for her. She took a week, thought it over, and made up her mind.

I just hope she a) follows up on taking care of this and b) doesn't change her mind either now or after it's too late.